May 5th 2006.... hope

I have found in the past few months the idea of hope has been visually recurring in my life. Always seems to come in the wake of someone passing or about to pass on.... written on the memory card for my college professor Antonette Rosato who passed on in February 2006:


"HOPE


Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune-without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Emily Dickinson"




cancer its all around us.. with in us ... what have we created or done to make this planet have the need or think it needs to put this process on the planet.. is it a thought or a thought added with certain chemicals.... maybe the emotion of anger hiding with in all of us recreating and manifesting....so many people around me are suffering and touching death with this dis-ease ...

new year

wow i find myself back here again after a long leave. I am good at getting my life all wrapped up in life with little time for this or much else. when did it start .. i mean the need to be so busy .. so busy on this planet i have forgot to be on the planet. Nice to find my feet again. I found them in a pair of snow shoes.

since the last entry, I have become a grandmother and had a wonderful art show at the Lake Placid Center For the Arts, finished a semester studing Physhology, got engaged to a sweet and wonderful mountain man and am learning to be a great partner. This entails listening and being wrong, two things i am not practiced in...

now time to enjoy all these things I am....


does anybody know where the spell check is ?? my spelling has much to be desired. r

Fall

Wow, how the time goes when life kicks in at a full run. 2 months have gone by in an instant. Funny how time doesn't follow any reality of the mind. When the mind is engaged there is no sense of it; when it is tuned in with the concept of time, it slows to a crawl.
I wonder what dads sense of time is? Is it going to slow, not being able to do alot of the things he loved to do , or is it moving to fast with the reality of life slipping away daily. Maybe he just doesn't think of waisting his time thinking about such things which are not of real importance.

Life is to presious to waist wondering. Life is in the now.

Life is full these days, new teaching job, art projects, parents, dogs etc.. feels good except for the cold, the one in my head filling my nose(which is endlessly running).

Time for the leaves to change. It has been 20 years since I have been up here to live with the colors. The mountains look as if they are on fire.. and the turning hasn't come to full colors yet. hugged by the green all summer and now hugged by brillient reds, purples, oranges and yellows of the mountains. No possable way to explane how wonderful it is to be here viewing nature in all her wonder. I missed it up here, good to be home.

Prodigy

I went to see a classical concert, with my father,at a school here in the mountains called Meadow mount.  It is a school for young prodigies.  Not all of them were children and still most were teenagers.  The first player to adorn the stage was a thirteen year old girl, Asian decent.  Such focus, energy and passion were expressed from this little girl.  The music flowed from her in such an amazing way it took my breath away.  After she was finished with her first piece, I leaned over to dad and said, " All I was doing at the age of fourteen was raising havoc." and my father replied with out looking down at me .." I remember and gave a smile".  Then I noticed something.. I raised havoc with all the same passion, energy, and focus as this fourteen year old was putting into her music.  It was the same energy, focused in a different direction.  I was me, a fourteen year old, doing it just as well as any other fourteen year old.... I just happened to be in the setting of creating perfect havoc energy instead of perfect music energy..........I was good at it to!

Hot seat

Went for an interview a couple of days ago.  It is a curious thing how an interview for a teaching job is set up.  In a room with 10 or so participants sitting in a "u" shape with the interviewee at the front.  What a set up for disaster.  Lets make it so uncomfortable for the potential to be sucked out of any possibility... I find it an archaic way of being ..firing questions which have nothing to do with experiencing each other at all,,,,,  it is not about communing and all about barriers and pretence      .. Here I am a forty year old woman sitting in front of a group of young 20s maybe a couple of 30 year olds watching their ego attaching to thoughts which have nothing to do with me .. the blind, putting on acts of knowing, with out knowing how obvious their unconsciousness is expressing itself.... setting the physical dynamics as they were,,  automatically sets up a hierarchy in which the interviewers put themselves in a position of power and the mind set automatically comes with it.. They also put a little desk with my chair.. which, i found an emotional security for them to create this mental leveling of the players...I don't know how the kids can operate under such positioning ... takes the humanness out of the picture and creates this separation.. sets up the fearful rabbit story...... as long as we come from the space of unequal expression and thought,,, there will be no understanding of the other, nor will there be true healing. 

rabbit in the back yard

Making my green tea this morning and i glanced out the window to see Mr. Bunny eating his morning greens.   I stopped to watch her for a while.  How nervous she was, always with a wide eye and quick side glances.  Looks like she is always in her head worrying ... There is an Native American story about the rabbit who always calls out to fear... calling out in fear to lion to come and eat her... and one day lion did........ funny how that works.. think the worst and it comes true.....as Buddha says : 

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought; it is founded on our thought, and it is made up of our thoughts. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him like a shadow that never leaves him.". 

Little rabbit.... always talking from the fear side of things..rabbit in the back yard... just don't want to keep feeding her... and i am afraid she will always be there.... Maybe i should go out and get to know her...so she will begin to trust me.. Then maybe I could feel her soft fur and find peace..  

swimming with a loon

out for a swim on Mirror Lake in Lake Placid... water was perfect... about half way out to my surprise there was a loon calling and crying out.  That is one sound i cannot mimic... anyway.. it is an endearing animal for me.  always remember camping with the family, when we were a family and did things together.  It is sad when that falls apart and life gets in the way.. like the loon it seemed so alone crying out and waiting for an answer.. maybe it is just my interpretation , i am waiting for an answer...... life got in the way of our family (at least in my mind). I am still that kid wondering where everyone went to... what happened to road trips and ice cream at Donleys corner.  When did we stop being a family and start being strangers.. hurt and angry.... you know i don't even know them very well and some part of that kid doesn't want to... i figure if they want to make it important they will.. and for now i wait quietly for their return like the lone loon on the lake..... i hate when one of them tries to communicate and it becomes all about everything I did and not about themselves.. i was a kid.. spoiled so they all say.. I was a kid, how would I know.. 6,7,8, years old what would I know... I was just following along....maybe i was spoiled what would determine being spoiled and if I was, so were they... now i understand my parents were doing their best at that time.. they hit a rocky road and i am not sure if they ever got back to smooth ground maybe they just got use to rough ride..  maybe that is what makes it interesting.. all the bumps and turns.. then in the end comming out the other side.... hopefully still in tacked.... well all this banter from a swim with a loon... he was magnificent though ..... never been so close to one before,, maybe this is the turning point.. first the loon then the family.. actually already there with mom and dad... i find them willing to take a look from this loons point of view.... nice to swim with them.... hope no storms roll in... hate swimming in rough warters.......rc