rachels gesture

May 5th 2006.... hope

2006-05-05T07:32:00.002-07:00

I have found in the past few months the idea of hope has been visually recurring in my life. Always seems to come in the wake of someone passing or about to pass on.... written on the memory card for my college professor Antonette Rosato who passed on in February 2006:

"HOPE

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune-without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Emily Dickinson"

cancer its all around us.. with in us ... what have we created or done to make this planet have the need or think it needs to put this process on the planet.. is it a thought or a thought added with certain chemicals.... maybe the emotion of anger hiding with in all of us recreating and manifesting....so many people around me are suffering and touching death with this dis-ease ...

new year

2006-01-06T09:45:00.000-08:00

wow i find myself back here again after a long leave. I am good at getting my life all wrapped up in life with little time for this or much else. when did it start .. i mean the need to be so busy .. so busy on this planet i have forgot to be on the planet. Nice to find my feet again. I found them in a pair of snow shoes.

since the last entry, I have become a grandmother and had a wonderful art show at the Lake Placid Center For the Arts, finished a semester studing Physhology, got engaged to a sweet and wonderful mountain man and am learning to be a great partner. This entails listening and being wrong, two things i am not practiced in...

now time to enjoy all these things I am....

does anybody know where the spell check is ?? my spelling has much to be desired. r

Fall

2004-09-25T15:49:00.000-07:00

Wow, how the time goes when life kicks in at a full run. 2 months have gone by in an instant. Funny how time doesn't follow any reality of the mind. When the mind is engaged there is no sense of it; when it is tuned in with the concept of time, it slows to a crawl.
I wonder what dads sense of time is? Is it going to slow, not being able to do alot of the things he loved to do , or is it moving to fast with the reality of life slipping away daily. Maybe he just doesn't think of waisting his time thinking about such things which are not of real importance.

Life is to presious to waist wondering. Life is in the now.

Life is full these days, new teaching job, art projects, parents, dogs etc.. feels good except for the cold, the one in my head filling my nose(which is endlessly running).

Time for the leaves to change. It has been 20 years since I have been up here to live with the colors. The mountains look as if they are on fire.. and the turning hasn't come to full colors yet. hugged by the green all summer and now hugged by brillient reds, purples, oranges and yellows of the mountains. No possable way to explane how wonderful it is to be here viewing nature in all her wonder. I missed it up here, good to be home.

Prodigy

2004-07-27T04:21:00.000-07:00

I went to see a classical concert, with my father,at a school here in the mountains called Meadow mount. It is a school for young prodigies. Not all of them were children and still most were teenagers. The first player to adorn the stage was a thirteen year old girl, Asian decent. Such focus, energy and passion were expressed from this little girl. The music flowed from her in such an amazing way it took my breath away. After she was finished with her first piece, I leaned over to dad and said, " All I was doing at the age of fourteen was raising havoc." and my father replied with out looking down at me .." I remember and gave a smile". Then I noticed something.. I raised havoc with all the same passion, energy, and focus as this fourteen year old was putting into her music. It was the same energy, focused in a different direction. I was me, a fourteen year old, doing it just as well as any other fourteen year old.... I just happened to be in the setting of creating perfect havoc energy instead of perfect music energy..........I was good at it to!

Hot seat

2004-07-23T06:12:00.000-07:00

Went for an interview a couple of days ago. It is a curious thing how an interview for a teaching job is set up. In a room with 10 or so participants sitting in a "u" shape with the interviewee at the front. What a set up for disaster. Lets make it so uncomfortable for the potential to be sucked out of any possibility... I find it an archaic way of being ..firing questions which have nothing to do with experiencing each other at all,,,,, it is not about communing and all about barriers and pretence .. Here I am a forty year old woman sitting in front of a group of young 20s maybe a couple of 30 year olds watching their ego attaching to thoughts which have nothing to do with me .. the blind, putting on acts of knowing, with out knowing how obvious their unconsciousness is expressing itself.... setting the physical dynamics as they were,, automatically sets up a hierarchy in which the interviewers put themselves in a position of power and the mind set automatically comes with it.. They also put a little desk with my chair.. which, i found an emotional security for them to create this mental leveling of the players...I don't know how the kids can operate under such positioning ... takes the humanness out of the picture and creates this separation.. sets up the fearful rabbit story...... as long as we come from the space of unequal expression and thought,,, there will be no understanding of the other, nor will there be true healing.

rabbit in the back yard

2004-07-21T05:37:00.000-07:00

Making my green tea this morning and i glanced out the window to see Mr. Bunny eating his morning greens. I stopped to watch her for a while. How nervous she was, always with a wide eye and quick side glances. Looks like she is always in her head worrying ... There is an Native American story about the rabbit who always calls out to fear... calling out in fear to lion to come and eat her... and one day lion did........ funny how that works.. think the worst and it comes true.....as Buddha says :

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought; it is founded on our thought, and it is made up of our thoughts. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him like a shadow that never leaves him.".

Little rabbit.... always talking from the fear side of things..rabbit in the back yard... just don't want to keep feeding her... and i am afraid she will always be there.... Maybe i should go out and get to know her...so she will begin to trust me.. Then maybe I could feel her soft fur and find peace..

swimming with a loon

2004-07-17T13:59:00.000-07:00

out for a swim on Mirror Lake in Lake Placid... water was perfect... about half way out to my surprise there was a loon calling and crying out. That is one sound i cannot mimic... anyway.. it is an endearing animal for me. always remember camping with the family, when we were a family and did things together. It is sad when that falls apart and life gets in the way.. like the loon it seemed so alone crying out and waiting for an answer.. maybe it is just my interpretation , i am waiting for an answer...... life got in the way of our family (at least in my mind). I am still that kid wondering where everyone went to... what happened to road trips and ice cream at Donleys corner. When did we stop being a family and start being strangers.. hurt and angry.... you know i don't even know them very well and some part of that kid doesn't want to... i figure if they want to make it important they will.. and for now i wait quietly for their return like the lone loon on the lake..... i hate when one of them tries to communicate and it becomes all about everything I did and not about themselves.. i was a kid.. spoiled so they all say.. I was a kid, how would I know.. 6,7,8, years old what would I know... I was just following along....maybe i was spoiled what would determine being spoiled and if I was, so were they... now i understand my parents were doing their best at that time.. they hit a rocky road and i am not sure if they ever got back to smooth ground maybe they just got use to rough ride.. maybe that is what makes it interesting.. all the bumps and turns.. then in the end comming out the other side.... hopefully still in tacked.... well all this banter from a swim with a loon... he was magnificent though ..... never been so close to one before,, maybe this is the turning point.. first the loon then the family.. actually already there with mom and dad... i find them willing to take a look from this loons point of view.... nice to swim with them.... hope no storms roll in... hate swimming in rough warters.......rc

morning

2004-07-14T04:59:00.000-07:00

Birds song, wonderful way to wake up! The air is full of sound and the thick smell of pine. The mist is lifting off of the mountains like a Japanese ink painting. Life is good. My daughter Nicole turned 18 yesterday. She has had a hard week. A friend of hers was thrown out of a moving car and killed. Strange to hear such news while sitting surrounded in such beauty of the mts. Life, death, circle. It is not so much the fact of dying that is unsettling it is the act of how and this case by whom... Sad we treat ourselves so poorly. Nothing natural about the direction of the human condition.
For me working in a little restaurant, pub for the summer. Taking it easy and having a little fun while working... job hunting for the fall... think I have a teachers assistantship set up, also an internship with an art therapist...along with school... Should prove to be a busy and learning semester...

registered yesterday..back to school..second degree.. and a good path to take, to be of service... get a psychology degree and put together with my art ... I always used my art process to discover my own insanity... My poor teachers at CU who had to put up with my learning process.. funny how fear plays such a part in the emotive process..Since being home with the parents I have discovered myself and all my ways I learned emotional survival, played out and reacted in. I see them in this house hold.. not so much in dad anymore............ In my mother..wow......all my ways of manipulating and how I moved upon the planet came from my mother.. I see her now... I get it she doesn't know any better and can't see her own unhappiness...I have never seen someone so unhappy and freaked out about life.... everything is a battle and she is so defensive, upset, nervous, quick to attack, blame, man she throws incredible energy out there.... over nothing.. well must be a little something from dads side for her to spin so out of control so easily.. I see her as so sad ... I can see it in her eyes, even when she is smiling.... Trapped somehow...She told me the other day she didn't want so many kids.. ( I am the youngest).. She said dad promised to take care of me... well you can imagine how that turned out.. interesting way to tell your daughter that she really didn't want to have another child (me)... at first this hurt and now it is just the way of the planet..I see we don't know how unconscious we are and how our actions creates the setup of the future.... she acts upon that concept unknowingly... I know if she knew better she wouldn't say and do the things she does, toward me.. the mind is a difficult tool to master... I am grateful for the insight and understanding to move forward and work on the mastering of the mind..
back to my birds, meditation,and life...

Where's my mind, lost it,might be a good thing

2004-07-08T16:02:00.000-07:00

forgot my password.. ever have one of those days? ..

just a little off center.. In a new place to stand... which is standing up for me and what I believe in ... What I believe to be true.. belief in how I feel..

I deserve to be treated wonderfully and approached with respect and honor.. I am an equal to anyone.. We are all the same and deserve to treat each other wonderfully.. .. Not a door mat anymore... Even from my own family.. I have allowed myself to be walked over and belittled verbally all of my life... now that we(family) has grown up in years you would figure we could approach each other with compassion and respect.... doesn't seem to be the case.. Time to teach the others the little sister is not around to be talked down to .. Compassion is what I deserve! if this doesn't vibe with the others.. I don't need to be around it... not good or bad.. just negative action and gestural information, causes negative reactions.. I am moving forward positive, giving compassionate.. my life needs to be nurtured and cared for.. I need to take care of who is involved and who plays a part .. when I was young, unknowingly I played a part in the evolution of my belief. By allowing and believing all the things told to me and even how it was told to me (tonality, direction, understanding)... now it is time to become proactive in changing my past understanding.... the gesture taught to me has changed.. and will remain so from now on... gesture as creation... change the gesture of the mind...draw to me
the gesture of :
good, compassion, respect, understanding, growth, belief, gratefulness, discipline, caring, giving, charity, hope, trust...

What Next

2004-07-07T05:53:00.000-07:00

Now in NYC.... spending most of the time at the shore.... been a long time since I have seen the ocean.
humbling.....

I think my problems are so large and the truth of it is they don't exist. Just thoughts in my mind, made from mind.. I just keep for-getting that little fact. Sometimes thoughts (memories) seem so real especially when put in my face by others in the family... attached directally to the emotion switch...
old hurt held on to by or made up of energy... I think I can find a better ways of using this energy ....

forward movement.....

now do I stay in a situation in which I feel that I am allowing myself to be in the line of fire from the unconscience other..even if he is family.. why stay where there is a weight of judgment tied to me.. need to be free from that .....

is there true freedom in leaving the source of irritation or should I find peace within .. maybe finding peace is in the knowing
and ride it out until the calm comes..acceptence of the unknowing ego filled mind.. can only think small and limited .. has not learned to move out from that way of being....

No need to be in the line of fire from the un-other....I know he doesn't know... get out of the wind....

Tourist in my own home town

2004-07-03T14:36:00.000-07:00

I just finished hanging an installation at the train depot in Saranac Lake which is celebrating its 100th birthday this year.. This station was the entry way for many tuberculosis patience in the early 1900's seeking a cure.. funny it is the only town which promoted their most precious commodity ...clean air...
The piece hangs from the ceiling 30-40 feet up and 10 feet round. Light, airy, quiet rhythm.. will post photo later.. Have worked on it non stop for days now... good thing for parents.. extra willing hands.. nice to feel that side of them.. never noticed it much before....It is easer to remember the bad things about relationships and not the good. So here is my conscience effort to notice the good .... Grateful........

Potential Breath

This space is filled with many ghosts,
history echoing through these walls.
It is an openness I wish to activate.
Bringing awareness of the many who have passed by,
the many who came to breath the air.

rachel

creating a thought

2004-06-24T15:34:00.000-07:00

Here i sit wondering what wondrous thought to share about myself today. should it be a contrived thing.. maybe a conceptual thought.. maybe just a gestural movement.. I created gestures for my MFA.. though a concept work.. how can that be? "conceptual gesture", I am wondering if that could be a reality.. maybe,,, different than my thought of a gesture as spontaneous. what is spontaneous.. ? Spontaneity...might not be such a thing...

Maybe.
"nothing"
is gesture?
"nothing"
is spontaneous?
"nothing"
is conceptual?

All is.
the mind
"nothing"
is from mind
All.
mind
is empty, emptiness?
created mind.
makes
something.

nothing.

the university bank

2004-06-15T15:18:00.000-07:00

find myself fighting for the next step toward new adventure in schooling.. why does it seem like everybody is selling something. Even student loans..? no support on finding the least expensive, easiest way to achieve the goal of a degree. Just the hard sell of loans from different banks willing to allow you to go into debt up to your ears..here is a brochure for you to look at... ----bank...... my life is dictated by the banks... no art in the idea of a bank........

with a research, new avenues have opened up............ maybe, the schools get a kickback from the banks for selling them to the students.... at any rate.... found other means.. Sorry no commission for you today financial aid ......... rc

dads smile, my church

2004-06-13T06:34:00.000-07:00

Settled back into the movement of the mountains.. finding my pulse again. reflecting ......... now, to be in the moment.. Practicing to stay in the present so to speak and find myself, talking to myself about it and failing miserably.. Funny how the mind works...

Moving a head with classes and getting my life in order for this next move into the art therapy world... a student again..... always a student just putting myself back into the structure of institutionalized learning. What ever it takes to be of service doing what I love.

time to spend time with dad.. he likes to go to church.. so I will tag along.. makes him smile to see me sitting in the pews, while he sings in the choir, it is the worst sounding and happiest choir i have experienced, I guess it doesn't matter the end product, just the participation ... good to see him smile ..

Direction

2004-06-09T15:50:00.000-07:00

home ... back from Denver and Chicago.. found the travels creating a focus on a path to the motion(gesture) of art as service. I lost the meditative posture i created here in the Adirondack Mountains. I noticed the slow movement of culture and the web of conversation slowly moving into my mind. Found it hard to turn it off. Sad to see (that level of being fade). how to keep it alive with-in. I found I must create myself the movement (moment) of art. I must put into motion the act of being of service. It is the only thing which makes sense in a world moving so fast it can't see where it is going and what messes it is creating.

good to be back in my mountains. I will miss them when I go back into ......that unknowing bombardment,,, barrage of low level thinking...commodity based thinking ......

was good to find refuge in the isa experience weekend. a small noah's arc sailing in this sea of unconsciousness.

Hello..welcome to my world

2004-05-26T08:11:00.000-07:00

feeling like this is a next movement in learning.. need to expand my understanding of writing and word phrasing usage to find my way out of the web of structured verse..empty out and view this meditation in my mind.. expansion......expression....